Fear

I struggle with fear of losing weight.  I have attempted weight loss many times.  One time, I lost 74 pounds through Weight Watchers and ended up gaining it all back plus 20 more.  Most of the time, I lose about 35 pounds and for some reason, I give up and gain it all back.  I have really been trying to figure out why it is I do that each time and try to change the way I think so that it doesn't happen again. 

I have come to the conclusion that I am scared of who I will be when I lose the weight that I need to lose and of the reaction people will have to me.  I struggle with feelings of not being deserving to be "thin" and healthy.  I have not known "thin" since before I had my first child, almost 20 years ago.  That is a long time to live in my fat body.  I am kind of scared to lose the person that I am.  My heart knows that will never happen but my mind is having a hard time dealing with it.  I think I fear that people will think I will look at them differently if they are overweight.  That is NOT who I am.  I do not ever want to lose a friendship because of that.

I also struggle with the fact that I have "failed" so many times at weight loss.  I think that is why I really don't like people complimenting me on my weight loss.  I fear they are saying in their head, "she looks good but it will only be a matter of time until she gains it back like she did last time".  I tend to shy away from the compliments and would rather people not say anything at all. 

I fear that I will gain the weight back....again!  I sooo do NOT want to go back to where I was 7 months ago.  I try to remind myself everyday how far I have come, how much better I feel and how I felt before I started in July. 

So, I journey forward.  I will do my best to continue doing what I am doing and with God's help, I WILL succeed!  I know that I am more determined this time than I have ever been in the past.  I have learned so much about myself, food, addictions and exercise.  I trust all of this new knowledge will be enough to keep me going.  :)